Grab a seat, students, and let’s get going.
Welcome to Bougainvillea 101 or — as we commonly call it here at Tropical Mountain University — Basic Bougainvillea.
Let’s get right down to business. The most important thing you need to know about planting bougainvillea in your yard is this:
You heard right. Don’t plant bougainvillea because you will regret it. However, most of you, lured by its loveliness, have already planted bougainvillea, and that’s why you’ve enrolled, desperate, in this class.
The second thing you must know about bougainvillea is that if it is not subjected to the sternest discipline, it will eat you and your yard alive.
Buy clippers, and use them mercilessly. You’ll need a ladder too if, for instance, you go away for a week, leaving your bougainvillea unwatched.
An unwatched bougainvillea goes berserk.
The third thing you must know is that bougainvillea has vicious thorns. That is its way of protecting itself from its archenemy, which is you.
A bougainvillea is like having a loose Bengal tiger roaming your yard, one that grows bigger, meaner, hungrier every day.
Always wear thick long sleeves and leather gloves when trying (futilely) to talk sense into your bougainvillea.
There is only one upside to having a bougainvillea. It is busty and beautiful, and that is its basic trick, its sneaky deceit. It’s like a high-maintenance woman with scarlet lipstick and fingernails like talons.
You may think you want those fingernails ripping down your backside on sweaty, moonlit nights, but you will regret it. Be sensible. Plant carnations.
That’s all for today. I must run back to my yard before it’s too late.