Slicing the squash

My machete was made in Brazil

MY CHILD BRIDE wanted to cut a winter squash yesterday to make pastry.

Do you have a machete? she asked.

There are two elements to this scenario that somewhat surprised me. One, I have a wife who asks for a machete. Two, I have a machete.

I bought it years back because I am a Mexican man, and Mexican men have machetes. I keep mine on a top shelf in the closet so I won’t hurt myself. Machetes give me the willies.

So I loaned it to her. She went out to the yard, the stone sidewalk, and split that big fat squash like a Hutu would a Tutsi’s head.

The machete is back in the closet now, and the pastry will go with my child bride downtown this evening where, like one week ago on Christmas eve, she will party most of the night with relatives. And I will sleep alone in peace, which is how I like it.

27 thoughts on “Slicing the squash

  1. Since coming to Mexico I have found the machete to be a very useful tool from cutting blocks to cutting the grass. I have several (different lengths for different purposes, didn’t you know?). Also a nice excuse for carrying a weapon. I also have a ball and baseball glove in my car to justify the metal bat. (I was told that is what one must do to explain carrying a metal bat in your car.) ;-0


  2. My husband too bought a machete, because a man in Mexico owns a machete. Unfortunately I was using it more often than he, and it was waaay too long for me. We now have 2 machetes – His n Hers!,


    1. Awww, dat’s sweet, Debi. Actually, I have never seen a need to use my machete. Yard work? That’s what lawnmowers, weedeaters and clippers are for. I see folks whacking grass, etc., and I cannot see how that even works for them, but it does.


    1. Cat: The short answer is that I am psychologically unsuited for it.

      The details are that I am not, and never have been, a night owl. I’m an early-to-bed, early-to-rise kind of fellow. If I stay up late, I still wake up early from conditioning, and I feel crappy all the following day from lack of sleep. Who needs that?

      And I am not a chitchatter. That’s what they do. Chatchat for hours on end. They enjoy it. I loathe it.

      Mexicans, for some reason, feel it’s necessary to celebrate Christmas and New Year’s and lots of other things in the deep, deep night. None of this evening celebration stuff. No, it’s gotta be realllllly late to count.

      Weird people.

      Plus, a number of her relatives I don’t even like. Keep that to yourself, please.

      I hope this answers your question.


      1. I DO understand because I am the same and will be up early no matter how late I go to bed. I don’t think I’d be up for a bunch of chitchat either, but I could stay up real late if there was a lot of music and dancing! 😉 Happy New Year to you and your child bride!


  3. I own no machetes, carry a leatherman. It has tool stuff, like screwdrivers, small files, etc. Harley Fixers, they call them.

    I too shun people gatherings. When forced, am polite to a fault and leave at the earliest convenience. Chitchatting avoided at all costs. I enjoy one-on-one conversations as long as the topics are meaningful. Otherwise, my daughter’s dog, the Bavarian Sheep Monster, and I get along very well.

    I like early mornings, came from single parenthood, I believe, a chance to arrange the day.

    Wishing you and your wife the best of the New Year. May we continue to disagree on the small stuff. I just wish I had as many eloquent words at my disposal as you.


  4. Bob: And we both love motorcycles too.

    Yes, we disagree on some stuff, but we are nice and polite people. Would that all of them were like us.

    I love the fact that you are Canadian, and cannot vote for your boy Obama. Yay!


    1. Yes, I am doing the preliminary searches of Route 66 to establish a starting point, one more scratch off the bucket list of to-do items on the motorcycle.

      Polite is not difficult if you avoid people who might be in benefit of impoliteness.

      I love that I am Canadian also. Yes, I would vote for Mr. Obama and Mrs. OB also. Yah!!! also. Next up, Mrs. Pantsuit, I would vote for her, but probably wouldn’t like her much. I like women to be more womanly.


      1. Bob: Don’t count on Mrs. Pantsuit. Throughout U.S. history, when a president of one party has served two terms, a president of the other party has almost always followed him.

        Politically, sir, you are beyond redemption.


  5. Wishing you and your señora a very happy, healthy, and prosperous Año Nuevo.

    I like the plaid shirt, very stylish, with or without machete.


      1. Ah, I am familiar with those. But yours has a nice color along with a nice plaid pattern. Not always easy to find in the quilted version. Stay warm.


    1. Becky: Since I never head into the woods any longer, my machete stays on the top closet shelf. But if I ever find myself in woods again, which looks unlikely, it would be nice to have.

      But I might slice myself.


  6. Got a couple of machetes we keep at our Canada property. The Canadians gasp in horror at the sight of them. LOLZ. Surely, they must be illegal. 🙂 We bought them in Belize where violent crimes are usually “choppings,” not shootings.


    1. Carole: Just when I get LOL down pat, you toss LOLZ at me. Thought it was a typo but, to be sure, I Googled it. And now I know. I just cannot keep up with internet shorthand.

      Got the year-end stats on The Moon today. You are the No. 2 commenter for 2013. Your Gold Star is in the mail. The postdated check too. Keep up the good work and thanks.


        1. Actually, I misspoke. Being No. 2, you will be getting a silver star in the mail. The gold star will have to be reserved for the No. 1 commenter, of course. It’s only fair. That person commented A LOT in the earlier part of last year and has tapered off. We’ll see what happens.


  7. My neighbor, who makes part of his living as a DJ, has set up his full system in the street where his family and some neighbors began celebrating New Year’s at midnight — as I suppose it should be celebrated. At full volume with a combination of disco and traditional norte music. Rather than bother sleeping, I am heading out the front gate to join in the maudlin celebration. The men cannot fathom why I will not drink with them. And, of course, chitchat is kept at a minimum due to my handicap. But I intend to have a great time.


    1. Steve: I feel your pain, and I imagine/hope you are sleeping at this moment that I write, almost 7:30 a.m. When my wife and I moved into our then-new house over a decade ago, we faced a similar situation from neighbors behind us. However, after that first year, all New Year’s Eves have been tranquil. I have no idea why, but I certainly appreciate it. There are some explosions and whoops in the neighborhood at midnight, but after a few minutes everything goes back to silence.

      I have been reading on a local Yahoo forum for Gringos how some are going to get decibel-measuring instruments, and start reporting to the local constabulary, especially in light of what I hear are new “laws” about noise levels. They’ll get Mexicans to start behaving, by gum!

      This makes me chuckle.


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