Noah’s abuse


(What follows is the first, and possibly last, movie commentary to appear hereabouts.)

WE WENT to the cineplex yesterday to see Noah, the film movie about you know who. Though we have Netflix at home, it’s often best to see disaster flicks on the really big screen.

And Noah  is a disaster flick with giant science fiction monsters thrown in. I am not, as Dave Barry says, making this up. Huge, stone critters that talk and growl.

The movie was slow, boring and long, a too-frequent combination. And it was quite PC, which was beyond silly. The word God was not uttered once. References to God were “the creator.” This, of course, is more “inclusive,” and will not offend Mohammedans, Hindus or Zoroastrians who prefer other names for God or their gods. Good Lord!

Brace yourselves: Noah and his family were vegetarians. As Dave Barry says, well, you know.

That’s all I have to say about the movie. It was long, boring, politically correct — Noah and his family only ate veggies — and there were science-fiction monsters.

The real action was down in the audience. Unknown to me, we were entering a new sort of movie theater, something called 4DX. Since it says 4D, one might assume that it was 3D and more, but it was not. There was no 3D.

4DX means you’ve entered a movie auditorium that pummels and spits on you.*


There are scads of big black boxes aligned high on both walls. These are, perhaps among other things, fans that blow on you when there is wind blowing in the movie. Get it? When there are fights, the seat bounces around and pokes you, literally, in the back.


At one point, Noah, who is really a pendejo, slays a bad guy by slitting his throat. The “blood” shoots out from God the creator knows where and spits in your face!

I had to remove my glasses and wipe them. No lie.

Perhaps worse than the ongoing abuse you receive, the high-tech seat simply is not very comfortable. You cannot recline as you do in most modern theaters. It doesn’t rock. It is locked into place — until it assaults and/or wets you, of course.

This was my first 4DX experience, and it will be my last. I’m no masochist.

* * * *

* What Dave Barry says.

25 thoughts on “Noah’s abuse

    1. Peter: So I take it you have yet to enjoy this movie-going experience? Maybe the movie would have been better if made by Monty Python or even Quentin Tarentino. Now, there’s an idea. Tarentino could have sprayed “blood” in my face every freaking minute.


    1. Connie: It was not a nightmare, and I guess we had to do it at least once to see what the “new approach” is all about. I would have preferred experiencing the new approach with a better movie, not that lame thing. And it cost double the normal ticket price!

      It occurred to me while in the theater than I have read something somewhere about these new theaters, and I imagine they’re already in the United States.


  1. Did you laugh just a little? It sure as heck sounds funny.
    But I am reminded why I prefer the comfort of a home when I watch a movie.


    1. Andean: As I mentioned, we have Netflix, and we watch a movie or commercial-free TV series almost every night. But some things are better in a real movie theater.

      Noah, however, was not one of those things. I have not read any reviews of the movie, but I imagine I should have. I doubt any are positive, even when not shown in that type of “interactive” theater.


      1. Many years ago, at a 3D movie theater (which included those moving seats), my kids laughed more watching me than the movie. They still have a chuckle when it’s brought up.


        1. Andean: I vaguely recall reading way back then of moving seats in 3D movies, but I betcha they didn’t beat the bejesus out of you and spit in your face.


  2. I just learned that Noah has yet to open in the U.S. I am quite surprised because usually it’s the other way around.

    Well, good. You people have been forewarned.


  3. That’s all I have to say about the movie. It was long, boring, politically correct — Noah and his family only ate veggies — and there were science-fiction monsters.

    Best short review I have read in a long time.

    As for the contraption movie, it sounds like Disneyland — only worse.


    1. Steve: Never having been to Disneyland, I cannot compare. But I can tell you to avoid this movie and avoid this type of theater. Oh, I imagine it might be worth it one time just for the experience of having a theater spit in your face. And to get poked in the back by what feels like a stick.

      But pick a better movie in which to do it.


  4. I don’t think we’ve been to a movie in a theater since 2004, when we saw “El Último Samurai” at Cinépolis Centro.

    I kind of liked it. And they sold espresso drinks in the lobby, which I liked, and crepes, which I don’t care for.

    Why did you choose Noah of all the fabulous movie options offered?

    Don Cuevas


    1. Don Cuevas: You and your lady should get out more. Movies can be fun.

      Why did I pick this one? The previews looked pretty good, and there were not a bunch of better options, certainly no “fabulous” ones.


  5. No Smell-o-Rama? That could have been pretty powerful while they’re depicting an ark filled with caged animals.


    1. Lee: Smell-o-Rama indeed. That would have been an interesting addition to the torture mix.

      Interesting aspect to the animal thing: Noah put them all to sleep during the voyage with some kind of magic smoke.


      1. …while smoke was pumped out into the audience, I suppose? I’ll bring an inhaler if ever compelled to see this film. Thanks for the heads up.


  6. Fourteen-year-old boys and their mothers hold a surprising amount of sway in this world. I think that explains the theatre and the PC plot.

    Thanks for saving me ten bucks.


    Kim G
    Laredo, TX
    Or is it Laredo, Tamaulipas? In places it’s not clear.


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