I, FERDINAND ALOYISUS Mgambamba IV, solicitor, magistrate and of Royal Blood, have been appointed to settle the affairs of Mister Felipe Zapata who died Sunday, caught in a crossfire near midnight between Federales and a Narco gang in the Bar, Cantina, Nightclub and Bordello Café Inéz at Calle Mango #45.
After all debts were paid, and an annuity was purchased for Mrs. Zapata, there remains an estate of $19,000,000,000 in crown sterling or Canadian dollars or Mexican pesos, whichever is lower.
Mr. Zapata’s LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT states that this amount will be divided equally among all his faithful readers over the past nine-plus years.
The sole requirement for collecting this generous gift is that each of you send a cashier’s check for $5,000 U.S. dollars, as a show of good faith and to offset administrative costs, to the following address:
Post Office Box 672
Freetown, Sierra Leone
Postal Code 45698
Include in your letter all pertinent details of your personal bank account (include PINs), your Social Security number, at least five credit card numbers (Diners Club not accepted), your home address, and whether that home has a security system and/or burglar bars.
This information is strictly routine and will pass no further than the desk of Lady Jessica Bahiti Outoulee, the receptionist and Girl Friday of the Magisterial Court in Freetown, Sierra Leone.
On receipt of the $5,000 check, your inheritance will be wired to your bank account posthaste.
Trust me on this.
Sincerely, Ferdinand Aloyisus Mgambamba IV, Esq.
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(EDITOR’S NOTE) Services for Mr. Zapata are scheduled at noon on the central plaza. Paramahansa Yogananda Jr. has flown in from Lahore to give readings from the Tibetan Book of the Dead and the Bhagavad-Gita.
The Rev. Franklin Graham will voice his version of things.
Mr. Zapata’s earthly remains will be cremated and cast to the Four Winds.
Survivors include 146 Mexicans, principally Mrs. Zapata who will continue to live in the Hacienda, plus a daughter and son-in-law who live in Georgia and Hawaii. And two ex-wives who knew this would happen one day.