R.I.P., Mr. Zapata

I, FERDINAND ALOYISUS Mgambamba IV, solicitor, magistrate and of Royal Blood, have been appointed to settle the affairs of Mister Felipe Zapata who died Sunday, caught in a crossfire near midnight between Federales and a Narco gang in the Bar, Cantina, Nightclub and Bordello Café Inéz at Calle Mango #45.

Mgambamba
Magistrate

After all debts were paid, and an annuity was purchased for Mrs. Zapata, there remains an estate of $19,000,000,000 in crown sterling or Canadian dollars or Mexican pesos, whichever is lower.

Mr. Zapata’s LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT states that this amount will be divided equally among all his faithful readers over the past nine-plus years.

The sole requirement for collecting this generous gift is that each of you send a cashier’s check for $5,000 U.S. dollars, as a show of good faith and to offset administrative costs, to the following address:

Post Office Box 672

Freetown, Sierra Leone

Postal Code 45698

Africa

Include in your letter all pertinent details of your personal bank account (include PINs), your Social Security number, at least five credit card numbers (Diners Club not accepted), your home address,  and whether that home has a security system and/or burglar bars.

This information is strictly routine and will pass no further than the desk of Lady Jessica Bahiti Outoulee, the receptionist and Girl Friday of the Magisterial Court in Freetown, Sierra Leone.

On receipt of the $5,000 check, your inheritance will be wired to your bank account posthaste.

Trust me on this.

Sincerely, Ferdinand Aloyisus Mgambamba IV, Esq.

* * *  *

(EDITOR’S NOTE) Services for Mr. Zapata are scheduled at noon on the central plaza.  Paramahansa Yogananda Jr. has flown in from Lahore to give readings from the Tibetan Book of the Dead and the Bhagavad-Gita.

The Rev. Franklin Graham will voice his version of things.

Mr. Zapata’s earthly remains will be cremated and cast to the Four Winds.

Survivors include 146 Mexicans, principally Mrs. Zapata who will continue to live in the Hacienda, plus a daughter and son-in-law who live in Georgia and Hawaii. And two ex-wives who knew this would happen one day.

36 thoughts on “R.I.P., Mr. Zapata”

    1. Mr. Patzman: Come as you are, I have been told.

      I am a representative of Mr. Mgambamba, using Mr. Zapata’s sign-in. For your, and other’s, convenience, you can bring your check to the memorial. You’ll get your inheritance quicker.

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      1. As I wanted to be the first to reply, I already mailed the funds. In cash. At the Mexican post office. The security of that mail system has been widely acknowledged here. Please feel free to deposit my inheritance today.

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        1. Mr. Patzman: I have been informed that the Mexican mail system is quite reliable but slow. If you sent your check by registered mail or, even better, by something called MexPost, the express arm, it will be on the desk of Lady Jessica Bahiti Outoulee even quicker.

          Your share of the proceeds from Mr. Zapata’s surprisingly large estate will be wired to your account posthaste, as noted by Mr. Mgambamba in the original note.

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  1. Thank you but I am not interested. My future financial needs have been taken care of by my recent winning of the One Million Dollar Newfoundland Lottery. I will be receiving $1 per year for a million years!

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  2. Dear Mr. Mgambamba, Esq. — My new wife wants to know if we can show our basic greed by buying two shares? She had a certain fondness for the late Señor Zapata and his love of Latina women, and would like to honor his life by buying the white tie ensemble for me that brought us together. If I have done the calculations correctly, I will still need to kick in a few of my own pesos. Please forward my share to ericholder@fbisting.com.

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    1. Mr. Cotton: Mr. Mgambamba informs me that anyone, even those who have never read Mr. Zapata’s fine websites, is now eligible for shares. Of course, a $5,000 check and the accompanying information is needed from one and all.

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  3. RIP Señor Zapata. You will be missed around here! 😦

    One question though… from what specific location will your remains be cast? 🙂

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  4. I don’t believe a word of it. I have noticed that the last few months, Señor Zapata was hanging around the ATM machines withdrawing a larger than normal amount of cash. Several months ago he also purchased a small motor-launch and new apparel at the Soriana here in town.

    There was also a report that he had been taking sailing lessons each time he visited his coastal vacation spot, which he did quite regularly.

    I do not want to start any rumors here, but it has been verified that he also took out a 10 million dollar (US) insurance policy only last December. Only a few of his closest friends were aware of his plan that he wanted to bring into action. The article in the newspaper did, however, verify that there was no positive ID of the body due to the amount of gunshot tissue damage on his body. Not having any previous DNA samples allowed the coroner to use the sworn testimony of a childhood friend, who identified Señor Zapata’s birthmark on his body. That of a bunny rabbit on his back side.

    It is the suspicion of his other close associates that Mr. Zapata is still alive and living well in another country which he has fondness for, Belize.

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    1. Mr. Tancho: Mr. Mgambamba has informed me that even though your mind has been overexposed to crack cocaine, you qualify for your inheritance share. Mr. Mgambamba awaits your particulars, and your money will be wired quickly. No problem whatsoever.

      Mr. Mgambamba does recommend counseling, however. Many in our country of Sierra Leone have grappled with the same problem. Some successfully, many not, alas.

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  5. Dear Mr. Mgambamba the 4th, please extend my regards to the lovely Lady Zapata. The old coot will be missed. However, having said that, as his politics was on the wrong side of the road, so to speak, the chances of him being sat at the right side (read hand) of the God person are rather slim. Hopefully, he can find a spot on the porch somewhere. As for the issue of money, the Canadian peso is falling like a lead balloon. So, therefore, I would like a new kickstand for my motorbike, if you please. As the beautiful Lady Zapata is an excellent cooker of cookery stuff, if she is making a Commentary Croissant, I would like one of those, if you please. As you scatter the ashes of the Slim Man, please check the windage as I doubt it will be blowing in all four directions. Upwind would be a good choice. Blessings.

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    1. Mr. Peterson: I am not Mr. Mgambamba. I am his representative and mouthpiece, nothing more. I too am from Sierra Leone. As for Mr. Zapata’s politics or on which side of God he will sit, I know nothing and care less. As for kickstands for your motorcycle, ask Santa, not me.

      The Magisterial Court does not do Christmas. Kwanzaa either.

      As for croissants from Mrs. Zapata, deal directly with her. I am not a clerk at the bakery store.

      As for the Four Winds, God has proclaimed a special five minutes in which they will blow simultaneously in all directions. That indicates the warm feelings that God has for Mr. Zapata, I am told.

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    1. Ms. Red Shoes Be Better Than Bacon: That is nothing but a mean rumor. The bread will be free of ashes and all other unsavory ingredients. Mr. Mgambamba awaits your check, by the way.

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  6. Alas. I don’t have five credit cards, but I may be able to swing by the memorial as there is a wedding I just heard of near Manzanillo, and the same outfit may be suitable for both these lamentable affairs.

    P.S. Will limo service be provided from the airport free of charge for “faithful readers”?

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    1. Ms. Andean: Having fewer than five credit cards does not make you ineligible. Send the information on the cards you do have. The sooner the better.

      There will be no free limo. Sorry. You’re on your own. The Magisterial Court is not a charity.

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  7. Fe-fe, fi-fi, fo-fo, fum,
    I smell a scam in the auditorium.

    Take this scam and shove it.
    It ain’t working here no more.

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    1. Mr. Andrés: The untimely and tragically violent demise of Mr. Zapata is no cause for disrespect. Please send all your pertinent information to the Magisterial Court as soon as possible. We will wire you what’s coming to you. We know you have been a loyal fan of Mr. Zapata for a good while, and that you left frequent comments, which I am sure he appreciated. Would that there were more like you.

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    1. Mrs. Carole: Mr. Mgambamba has authorized me to inform you that he does not see what your being in Europe has to do with this wonderful opportunity. He says he believes that you may simply be bragging. And now that you have bragged you may still send all the necessary information to the Magisterial Court, and your inheritance will be wired, posthaste. You can certainly trust Mr. Mgambamba. You have my word on that.

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      1. I am sad to say that I keep all personal official documents securely locked in my safe deposit box at my bank. As we’ve discussed in the recent past, our personal bankers NOB are service challenged and don’t go out of their way to arrange remote transactions of their customers. (Bragging updates will follow.)

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        1. Ms. Carole: You will be happy to learn there is no statute of limitations mentioned in Mr. Zapata’s Last Will and Testament. Ante up when you get home. Your haul will be waiting for you.

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  8. Oh my! My heart is saddened. Could his demise be at the hands of those Mexican relatives he wrote about so generously in the Zapata Tales, or was it one of his ex- wives, or the tall lesbian social worker sister who turned out that way because she was spurned by all men. I love a good whodunnit. Maybe it was someone who hates Fox News since he seemed to embrace their fair and balanced stance of news coverage or an Obama devotee who couldn’t stand anymore bashing of their candidate or Michelle herself since he took her on also. How generous of Mr. Zapata to want to share his wealth and since I admired him so please send my share to The Foundation to abolish Political Correctness. Please do this posthaste. My check should be getting to you soon via snail mail.

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    1. Mrs. Smith: As Mr. Mgambamba mentioned originally, Mr. Zapata was caught in a crossfire between the Federales and a Narco gang. It had nothing to do with the things you cite.

      What is this Fox News you mention? We have not that in Sierra Leone.

      As for sending your share to the Foundation to Abolish Political Correctness, I regret to inform you that Mr. Zapata’s Last Will and Testament was precise. Only readers of his websites are eligible. However, Mr. Mgambamba informs me that whatever you do with your inheritance after you receive it is your own concern.

      The Magisterial Court awaits your check. Your slice of the inheritance will be sent out within a day. Trust us on that.

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  9. Mr. Mgambamba,

    I sincerely hope you’ve hired plenty of plañideras to represent the readers of this blog. And of course it would not be fitting for Mr. Zapata to go onto the next plane without some crying and wailing.

    Saludos,

    Kim G
    San Luís Potosí, SLP
    Where we’ll hire some mariachis to sing Puño de Tierra, as we wipe a tear from the corner of our eye.

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    1. Ah, Kim, you’ve come too late to the show. April Fool’s Day was yesterday. The party is over, and everything has returned to normal. I’m alive and well, thank the Goddess.

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    1. Bob: I used to have quite a tattoo collection, one of the many zany things I once did. After parting company with Wife No. 2, I took advantage of being a military vet, and had all but one lasered off at the Veterans’ Hospital in Houston for free. I now have just one. It’s not a bunny, however. It’s a skull with a snake coiled around it. As Dave Barry says, I am not making this up.

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  10. Life imitates Art. I just received this text message via Skype. It’s from Ghana, not Sierra Leone. Here it is in its entirety. Again, I am not making this one up. I really received it. Strange timing, I think.

    Hello Dear.

    I got your contact via skype search for a reliable, honest and a
    trust worthy person to entrust this huge transfer project with. My
    name is Mr Johnson Adams I am the manager of the Barclays bank Kumasi
    Branch Ghana. I am a Ghanaian, married with two kids. I am writing to
    solicit for your assistance in the transfer of funds valued at
    $4,750,000.00 ( four million seven hundred and fifty thousand United
    States Dollars). This fund is the excess of what my branch in which I
    am the Manager made as profit during the last annual audition. I have
    already submitted an approved end of the year report for the year to
    my head office in Accra and they will never know of this excess.

    As an official of the bank i can not be directly connected to this
    fund, so this informed me of contacting you for us to work for mutual
    benefits.I want you to assist in receiving this fund into your bank
    account for us. Meanwhile you will have 40% of the total fund. Note
    there are practically no risks involved as it is going to be bank to
    bank transfer. All i need from you is to stand as the original
    depositor of this fund who made the deposit with our branch so that my
    Head office can order the transfer to your designated bank account.

    If you accept to work with me, i will appreciate it so much. As soon
    as i receive your response, i will give you details on how we can
    achieve it successfully.

    You can contact me through my personal E-mail address
    (johnson120146@gmail.com )

    Best Regards,

    Mr. Johnson Adams.

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