Bazookas, Black Hawks, barbecue

BILLY BOB Pickering hoisted the bazooka to his shoulder when he saw the Black Hawk helicopter heading his way.

BushmasterBubba Thornton stood at Billy Bob’s side with a Bushmaster nine-millimeter, fully automatic, the kind of peashooter that gives Nancy Pelosi the vapors and makes her want to wash the feet of illegal aliens for Easter, which she actually did do. Neither of our boys’ weapons were legal, strictly speaking, but they really didn’t give a sticky chaw of Bloodhound Plug about that.

Bubba and Billy Bob had gone to junior high together. They had almost finished high school when they dropped out to serve together in Vietnam, which means the boys were not young. They were old boys who had killed lots of communists.

On hearing about the federal government mistreating a rancher in Nevada, Billy Bob and Bubba tossed the bazooka, the Bushmaster and lots of Budweiser into the bed of Bubba’s old Studebaker pickup and hauled out of Tupelo, heading west. They drove straight through.

And here they stood on this hot day atop dry scrub land in Nevada, the kind of dirt where you need plenty to graze enough cattle to make a living. The rancher’s family had done that for 100 years, and now here come federal cops to put a stop to it all, which was not right.

All because of some gol-durned endangered tortoise that can’t hold his own.

Billy Bob and Bubba had not gunned down little, slanty-eyed communists to live in this sort of Tom-fool America.

Billy Bob and Bubba watched the Black Hawk approach. Flap, flap, flap. Written in big letters on the side was BLM. Billy Bob triggered the bazooka and watched the Black Hawk explode. The two boys gave one another a high-five, and there were huzzahs from other hillbillies nearby.

The following week they were charged namelessly with a hate crime because the helicopter was black. The Studebaker, however, had barreled back to Tupelo, and Billy Bob and Bubba told a great story over Budweisers at LouAnn’s Barbecue Shack out on Highway 6.

17 thoughts on “Bazookas, Black Hawks, barbecue”

  1. I understand rancher Cliven Bundy’s frustration with the BLM. The federal government controls far too much of the land west of the Mississippi. Poor Nevada is almost entirely a federal enclave. But, within a democratic republic, where we have the right to change the system through elections, we do not retain the right to declare which sovereign ties we will obey and which we will totally ignore. Billy Bob and Bubba are as antithetical to a republic as were the Weather Underground and the Black Panthers in the 1970s.

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  2. You might have mentioned that in addition to a bazooka, Billy Bob used to carry a tattooed hoe on his zipper with a vial of her blood around his neck. I think Nancy washed her feet and she left.

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  3. You left out that Al Sharpton was advising the FBI of the caravan of infiltrated Southern Baptists that were following and praying.

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  4. Thank Goodness I kept reading. I at first glance thought, DAMN, ALL THIS TO WHACK THE EASTER BUNNY, then eat him. I was expecting a recipe from Mr Tanchos Kitchen for Rabbit Stew.

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    1. Señor Peterson: Thank Goodness you kept reading indeed. Ain’t got nuttin’ to do with Easter. As for rabbit stew, stupid as rabbits are (and they are colossally stupid), I don’t eat them. Not since my pet bunny Rusty was served to me and my sister at the dinner table about 60 years ago.

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      1. Sorry to hear about “Rusty.” Fifty years ago, all my bunnies were in Playboy. My 1st wife disposed of my collection needless to say.

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  5. This may be the Waco of the Obama era. Which, as I’m sure you will recall, led to a very nasty incident at Oklahoma City.

    When people become afraid of their government, bad things will happen. And it won’t necessarily be “bubbas” who fight back.

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    1. Ray: Or Barry’s Branch Davidians. I read an excellent article in National Review yesterday, which I get on my Kindle, making that comparison. I was surprised to learn that the feds own almost 90 percent of Nevada. I knew it was a lot, but not that much. I just tried to find the article on NR’s online edition, but it’s not there. Seems they have different articles in different formats.

      In contrast, the feds own very little of Texas.

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