Fifteen years a Mexican

DO YOU REMEMBER the movie Twelve Years a Slave, the one some members of the Oscar committee later confessed to voting as Best Picture even though they had not seen it? The PC theme swayed them.

Incredible, the terrible, phony times in which we live.

So I’m considering becoming a filmmaker next January when I hit the 15-year mark below the Rio Bravo. Since we Mexicans are almost as fashionable as blacks, I’m thinking I can just make the video on my two-bit Kodak Easyshare. I’ll have to find a distributor, but that won’t be difficult due to the trendy subject matter.

cameraNobody much will watch my flick, and even if they do, they’ll be afraid to say it’s trash because I’m Mexican (profiling!) and then the Oscar folks will knee-jerk me into wealth and fame!

I won’t be a bona fide Mexican for 15 years in January. I will simply have lived here that long. I became a bona fide, voter-card-carrying (yes, we must have a photo ID to vote, Gringos) Mexican nine years ago next December.

The first matter of business is casting. Here’s what I will need:

1. Imelda the sultry maid (brown skin required).

2. José the cripple in the wheelchair.

3. Manuel the arrogant rich guy (white skin required).

4. Lupe the bureaucrat who does nothing without a bribe.

5. Alejandro the cartel capo (brown skin required).

6. Axel the hit man (very brown skin required).*

7. Diego the beggar, age 9.

8. Jerónimo the alcoholic. He’s Diego’s father who beats him daily.

9. Valentina the beautiful female lead (white skin required) who swoons at the sight of …

10. Miguel Ángel the dashing male lead and incorrigible womanizer (white skin required).

I’ll be reading applications next week. Just send an email. The role of Miguel Ángel is taken. That will be me because I have white skin, plus I want to kiss and fondle Valentina.

We’re gonna get rich together, amigos. Practice speaking English with a Spanish accent. Hint: Pronounce “you” like “Jew” and stress every letter in English words, no matter how much you giggle.

All for now. I must go write my Oscar acceptance speech.

* * * *

* Bring your own machete. This is a low-budget operation.

19 thoughts on “Fifteen years a Mexican

  1. You are doing it all wrong, Amigo. What you really need to do is produce and direct a film that shows the plight of the Mexican and why borders should be abolished and the injustices the U.S. is bestowing on all Latinos especially since stealing their land. You will then find dozens of lefty corporations to subsidize or even provide millions in grant money to tell your sad story. We won’t even begin to think of the millions the U.S. government will throw your way because you will be teaching political correctness and diversity from the eyes of a U.S. citizen and Mexican. That in itself is a moneymaker.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tancho: Your ideas are great ones. Let me get rich on the first flick. Then I can buy better equipment and go this wonderful, lucrative route that you suggest. I surely have more than one movie in me.


      1. No, No, No, you do not have to buy the equipment. You can get it free, grants, donations and there’s always the Obama program of free giveaways. You have been away from the states too long …you gotta get with the program! There are tons of money for these kind of programs, plenty of taxpayers to support your efforts. Get with the program!


    1. Mike: Tancho’s ideas are great. Stay tuned. And I hope I’ll see you at the final casting call for the first movie. But don’t forget that I will be Miguel Ángel. Nobody’s gonna fondle Valentina but me.


    1. Do you have an opening for a ugly Russian mobster type? I just happen to know of someone.
      He could be a bodyguard or something.


      1. Alas, Tancho, there are no Russian mobsters in the script, which I wrote myself, by the way. Sorry. Or perhaps you could try out for the arrogant rich white guy. Email me your file.


  2. Are you sure this wasn’t last weeks telenovela on channel 13. I don’t care about the social and political import as Janis Joplin would say. But I would like to apply for the part of Jerónimo. Please send some some Don Julio for rehearsal. And besides, I probably will not mind whipping your butt.


    1. Carlos: Any resemblance between the cast of Fifteen Years a Mexican and a telenovela, on channel 13 or otherwise, is completely coincidental. As for your appropriateness to play Jerónimo, that will be determined in time. Send your resume via email. As for whipping my butt, remember that Jerónimo only whips the butts of children. Real men scare him.


  3. When you get nominated for an oscar you will have to go NOB to accept. Do you REALLY want to do that?


    1. Patzman: You forget we live in the age of conference calls, Skype video, etc. There are many ways in which I can accept the Oscar without actually stepping into the U.S. of A. By the way, I have a goal of leaping totally over the Age of Barry. I last was in the U.S. during the Bush administration. I don’t want to return until Barry is back where he came from. It’s a matter of principle.


    1. Ms. Shoes: I googled that woman to check out the appropriateness of your playing her, and the resemblance is startling, so you get the part. She’s somewhat younger than you, but that’s showbiz. A little makeup and hair dye will set that straight. I now must write her into the script, but since I have yet to actually write the script that will present no problem. I also may have to write a handsome chauffeur into the script. He will provide a romantic interest for Aramburuzabala. There may be steamy sex scenes. Brace yourself.


  4. Are you sure you aren’t already cast as the Evil Gringo who makes off with the best woman under a spell of deceit?

    ‘Cause you know, you still have that accent down pat.


    Kim G
    Zacatecas, Zac
    Where we’re wondering if you won’t need to wait for the first Latino president for this film.


    1. Kim: Good idea. I can handle both roles. A little makeup and latex, and nobody will be the wiser. As for the first Latino president, I don’t see that on the horizon anytime soon. I hope to see the first black president quite soon, however, in Dr. Carson. Barry, as you know, is a faux black. A faux president too, by the way.

      Funny you should mention that. While there are quite a few conservative blacks in the U.S., are there any prominent conservative Latinos? I can’t think of one at the moment.


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