Protestant goombah

WHY DO CATHOLICS have a Main Man, but Protestants do not?

The Catholics, due to having a main man, get lots of press coverage. Protestants lack that. They are a fractured people.

I am neither Protestant nor Catholic, but I believe in balance.

attire
Man

So I propose that Protestants unite to choose a Main Man — maybe even a Main Woman because Protestants, as a rule, are less hidebound than Catholics. Well, some of them.

A convention must be held, perhaps akin to Burning Man, where Protestants can come together. This will require plenty of compromise because Protestants are a mixed bag, ranging from high-toned Presbyterians to Westboro Baptist Church crackpots.

After a Main Man — or Woman — is chosen, a Protestant Vatican must be decided upon. Outside of the United States is preferable so visits to Washington will seem more special, inspiring more press coverage.

Somewhere in the Middle East is a fine choice since Jesus Christ walked thereabouts. As the Catholic Pope has armed guards and a bulletproof vehicle, the Protestant Main Man — or Woman — will need this too, due to being around so many pissed-off Mohammedans.

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Woman

All of this will require money, so an expanded tithe must be applied to all Protestant denominations.

Twenty-five percent sounds about right.

This will finance a huge Protestant Palace among the Mohammedans. And then there’s the Wardrobe.

As the Pope wears women’s clothes, the Protestant Main Man should do likewise. It will attract attention. If a Main Woman is chosen, a James Bond tuxedo will serve the purpose.

After a Main Man (Woman) is named, a Protestant Palace situated, armed guards hired (with suitable frippery), at least two bulletproof Hummers at the door, the only thing left to do is make smoke and water holy.

Then head to Washington, D.C.

62 thoughts on “Protestant goombah”

  1. I myself follow the Wicca religion, which like the Protestants have no main man. Perhaps I should appoint myself to that post and try to convince some young maidens to follow my guidance.

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      1. I saw a very witty cartoon once where an Islamic terrorist arrives in heaven only to find out that all of his promised virgins are Catholic nuns who lived to ripe old ages.

        I personally hope that that is the truth of the matter.

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  2. The Archbishop of Canterbury was the pope of the Anglican Church when Hennery the 8th decided to start a religion that allowed divorce, but when smart folk figured out how much money there was in religion, they all started their own. Just like politics, everybody wants to be in charge.

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  3. The Protestants are going to need more than just a Main Person. They’ll need a song that awes, invigorates, and inspires. I’d suggest The Eyes of Texas. Then they’ll need colors, just like the Catholics have claimed light blue and plaid. I’d suggest burnt orange. Then it will need hand signals, and for that, I’d suggest hook ’em horns.

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    1. Ms. Shoes: You are quite right. There is nothing that will make one doze off quicker than hymns in a Protestant church. Yes, the Eyes of Texas will do just fine. Take the idea to Burning Man.

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      1. How would you know? Haven’t you ever heard the protestant kids sing the song with the lyrics – “if the devil doesn’t like it he can sit on a tack?” That will wake you up! Signed, a long time church pianist.

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        1. Bonnie: How would I know? I spent many — but as few as possible — Sunday mornings in church — either Baptist or Methodist. My paternal grandparents had feet in both — in my faraway youth, wishing I were elsewhere. It was the main downside of visiting my father’s people. What I remember most was the tedious music. Then again, in 9th Grade in Jacksonville, Florida, I had the hots for a real saucy number who, though 14 looked like Jayne Mansfield, and her parents were hard-core Baptists. On occasion, I let them drag me to church just so I could sit beside this buxom broad, er, I mean tender teenager, and again the music was dreadful. Nobody ever sang about the Devil sitting on a tack. There was a tack in the pew, however, and it was in my pants.

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          1. I try not to reference ancient history when commenting here. I attended a lot of boring church services as a child as well – but times change. Church was boring to kids before the time of youth programs and children’s church. Your view is based on an experience you had as a teen – half a century ago? I get aggravated at old expats who have an opinion about something – based on some experience they had decades ago – and stand by it today – like it was gospel. You made up your mind when you were 17?? Please, please tell me you are not one of THOSE people – “made up my mind at 17, Martha, and have never once wavered from it. Why should I? I was pretty damn smart at 17” – When I was 17 I thought the ultimate goal of my life was to be Miss Texas. Obviously, I moved on from that plan after I got more information – like I needed to be tall and blond. Be an atheist if you like. However, do not make pronouncements on topics (church music) of which you have absolutely no knowledge (barring that of a horny teen-ager). I speak from the viewpoint of a trained musician and long time church pianist. Liberals think that all opinions are equal. Conservatives know that the opinion of a trained musician trumps that of a hormone-crazed teen-ager. Better stop here or I won’t get my cup of coffee on the plaza in Patzcuaro next month.

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            1. Bonnie: So church music has improved? Did not know that. I’ll take your word for it because I’ll never hear Protestant church music live again. I occasionally catch Catholic music due to being in Mexico.

              1. I’m an “old expat”? Old perhaps, but no expat. I am a refugee or perhaps as the Pope would have it, a pilgrim.

              2. You wanted to be Miss Texas!? Wow.

              3. I am not an atheist. I am a Pantheist. I’ve never thought about whether we Pantheists have music, but if we do I guess it’s flute music. And we dance on our back hooves. But really, I am a Pantheist.

              4. You are right. I have no current knowledge of church music. I plead guilty.

              5. I was a horny teenager. All teen boys are like that. But I had the advantage of sitting thigh-to-thigh with a 14-year-old Jayne Mansfield in a pew. It was the most invigorating church experience of my life.

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            2. I played piano and keyboard for many years on a worship team. Church music can be fun. If I had stopped learning new music and new styles of worship at age 17, I wouldn’t know anything besides Methodist hymns and quartet sing-a-longs. Those are just fine, but as you have said, times have changed. In fact I was tempted to write that the Protestant Anthem should be Bob Dylan’s song, The Times Are A’Changin’.

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    2. Or, for the sign, what my mother used to call the Texas salute – flashed by young folks out the window of their car as they passed her on I-35.

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    1. Laurie: Onward Christian Soldiers is a classic example of Protestant music that will put you to sleep in a nanosecond. It’s nothing like some of the spiritually soaring pieces the Catholics come up with. You folks must do better if my idea gets off the ground. Kum Ba Yah, or Kumbaya as I prefer to write it, is somewhat better even though it’s like an overdose of sugar.

      I recall being sent to Bible School some summers when I was a kid visiting my paternal grandparents (one Baptist, other Methodist) in Georgia, and by September I had Onward Christian Soldiers coming out my ears, nose, mouth, you name it. Thank God those days are behind me.

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      1. Laurie: A jest! You were a little too subtle then for this ole boy. I listened to Breathe, and it’s a significant improvement over Onward Christian Soldiers. And yet again I note what an odd Church you belong too. No matter. I’m glad you embrace it.

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          1. Yes, Laurie, same here. Is it possible we go to the same church? Listen to Praise is Rising – another beautiful praise song that will wake you up.

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              1. Yes, I know it. We used to hold our homeschool meetings in a Vineyard church in Rolla, Missouri ( one of the few churches that supported “radical” homeschoolers before the movement became mainstream).. I go to church in Riberas del Pilar along Lake Chapala in Mexico, but our experiences are similar.

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  4. The current pope is singing in Obama’s choir, and hitting some awful notes.

    The last thing the Protestants need is a dopey and politicized leader.

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    1. Andrés: Pope Francis is a left-wing Latino no doubt. He’s not the Pope I would have chosen, but nobody ever asked me. I think he and Barry see eye to eye on many things. The gay business would be an exception. Francis is also clueless, as most all lefties are, on economics.

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      1. Don’t sell her short. I think she is on her fourth husband. She must have some sex appeal to be able to attract that many husbands. Besides, she is a new convert to Christianity. They are always the most bold Christians. We all should be so brave – to be able to say – Screw You – to our government overlords.

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  5. A fight song would be good. I can just picture all those Protestants trying to agree on which values should apply. The Kentucky county clerk who has been married four times and has a child out of wedlock might have a few things to say about values.

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    1. Carole: Are you telling me that the honorable court clerk Kim Davis has been married four times and has an illegitimate offspring? Good Lord Almighty! What is this world coming to?

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  6. Maybe we should leave the religious affairs to the believers. As long as they leave me alone and don’t ask me for money, I think we should let them be. But sometimes, religious faith can lead to some pretty unpleasant results. I bet this guy is having some doubts about his faith. http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/suicide-bomber-bursts-tears-comforted-6497847

    Maybe he should have just kept his mouth shut when they asked for volunteers.

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  7. You forgot to mention that the Protestant head honcho will have to make lots and lots and lots of pronouncements about the need to help the poor from within his/her super-luxury palace, with its billion-dollar-plus art collection, plush apartments for the retinue of necessary assistants, and both before and after specially-prepared and sumptuous meals.

    We MUST not forget the poor, and it’s important to lead by example.

    Saludos,

    Kim G
    Boston, MA
    Where we think it’s highly unfair that Congress invites the Pope to speak, but hasn’t issued a single invitation to the Ayatollah.

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      1. Let us not mock comrade pope, or at least not until he has gone on his way. Now the Chinese fellow, he is fair game.

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        1. I’m not mocking the pope, but rather the whole ridiculous and hypocritical institution. The sheer sumptuousness of the Vatican is the whole reason that Protestants even exist as a separate branch of Christianity.

          I’m not the first to have noticed this rather glaring contradiction between words and action.

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          1. I agree. Though I don’t want him to be president because I disagree with his policy views, and because I think he lacks any experience relevant to running the federal government. That said, I believe he is a man of integrity, tremendous personal fortitude, and an honorable person, character traits not necessarily shared by his primary-race competitors.

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  8. They should have stayed with the cranky Italians. No, they went for the son of Italian emigres. It was with a spirit of humility and humbleness that I gave comrade pope a small P.

    We have that Chinese fellow Xi visiting Obama. He will notice that every thing in this country has a “made in China” mark. How does one say “what a sucker in Chinese?”

    Next comes Mr. Putin. Let’s see how that goes.

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  9. Wow! Bonnie lived in Rolla, Missouri. I have a brother that lives there. He doesn’t go to church or talk about his religious faith. For a long time, it was legal to kill Mormons in Missouri. See Missouri executive order 44.

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    1. Señor Gill: I see that Rolla has only about 19,000 souls in residence, so this is one of those Kevin Bacon connections.

      As for killing Mormons, I don’t favor it. Other religious populations could use some culling, however, by whatever means.

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      1. Well, those Muslims seem to be doing a bang up job of it now days. About seven hundred of them perished in that stampede during the Haj. The Saudis picked up the bodies with skip loaders.
        Wait until they all get the A bomb.
        How can a religion see murder as a good thing?

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        1. Señor Gill: Anything is justifiable when you’re doing “God’s work.” Or, in this case, Allah’s Work.

          Christians, of course, have been guilty too, but not for a long, long time — Crusades, Inquisitions. I like to think the Christians have outgrown that sort of mayhem and foolishness.

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