War against men

I’M MAD AS Hell, and I’m not taking it anymore!

To what am I referring? The corporate war against men. Corporations are the root of all evil, as any clueless Smith College coed will assure you.

And what is the specific battlefield on which I wage war today? To wit: There are two sizes of nail clippers, right? A small version for fingers, and a large version for feet.

But those sizes are for women exclusively. The foot version doesn’t work for men’s feet unless the man is a midget.

I use the foot version for my fingers because the finger version fits my fingernails about as well as the foot version fits my footnails, which is to say not at all.

This is a clear corporate attack on men’s rights, men’s Constitutional and God-given rights to have neat feet.

And I’m sick unto death of it.

footLet’s be clear: The “big” clipper is about half as wide as my big toenail. And the smaller clipper for fingers likewise goes about halfway across my nails.

What are we to use? Hatchets? Cutlasses?

This is a feminist-lesbian plot* to diminish men, to put us in our place. I encourage all men to withhold sex from their women until something is done about this outrage.

Man up for nail clipper equality!

* * * *

*Yes, feminist-lesbians are in bed with corporations. Who knew?

16 thoughts on “War against men

    1. Ms. Shoes: You may recall that some years back I followed my wife into a “beauty parlor” here and got my eyebrows straightened in the interest of reportage and entertainment for those who pass by here.

      You won’t catch me doing any of that girly man stuff in the future. I learned my lesson. The next day my eyebrows were unruly again, and I was out the pesos. You women are foolish. We men are not.

      Now where did I leave the machete?


  1. I’ve been withholding sex from women for years, but it doesn’t seem to be having any effect. At least not on the availability of male-oriented nail clippers.

    And I’ve been assured by all my straight male friends that women can hold out far longer than y’all can, anyway.

    So good luck!


    Kim G
    Boston, MA
    Where we suggest you move from nail clippers to nail scissors.


    1. Kim: This particular war does not concern you because (1) you know about nail scissors, and (2) you likely get pedicures, and (3) well, you know…

      But thanks for weighing in.


      1. Well…the only pedicures I get are the ones I administer myself. And I only really worry about them when it’s sandal season.

        So am I right about women being able to hold out longer than men?


  2. Kim is on to something. I have never used clippers on any of my nails. I am a scissor guy. Though, I do admit, the days of cutting my toenails with the cuticle scissor may be numbered. I remember my grandmother cutting her toenails with a pair of scissors the size of hedge clippers. My DNA is destiny.


    1. Señor Cotton: I have never used anything but clippers, and I doubt that will change. Though they are clearly designed for the dainty digits of the distaff side, I make them work, cussing all the while. If the dang things were just straight across, it wouldn’t be so bad, but they’re curved!


    1. Señor Gill: I did not. Knew nothing of it till I saw your comment, so I investigated. It was a good bit south of here and registered 5.5. Looking at the hour, I well might have been in my car driving toward downtown. If you’re in a car, you’re far less likely to notice those things, mistaking them for the movement of your vehicle.


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