Felipe for prez!

MOUNTAINTOP IN MEXICO — (AP) The bizarre presidential race in the United States was thrown into further turmoil today when Felipe Zapata tossed his sombrero into the mess.

candidate
Himself

Felipe, a controversial blogger — you either love him or loathe him — is, like Ted Cruz, a dual national. But, unlike Cruz, Felipe — who prefers to be called by one name à la Cher or Prince — will not trash his foreign passport.

He sees multiculturalism as a campaign plus.

The shocking announcement was made outside Felipe’s huge, colorful Hacienda in a hardscrabble neighborhood on the edge of a mystery village in the middle of Mexico.

The international press was missing, as was the Mexican, and the audience of four were Felipe’s family members who were eating burritos and drinking Coca-Cola.

Felipe’s brisk platform consists of six planks:

  1. The Mexican problem: This will be solved by building a 20-foot-high wall along America’s southern border. The U.S. will pay for it, not Mexico. Ten yards behind the wall will be an alligator-filled moat and machine-gun nests.
  2. The drug problem: This will be solved by canceling the ridiculous War on Drugs.  Getting stoned will be legal for adults. This will also help the Mexican problem.
  3. The economic problem: The Internal Revenue Service will be dissolved, and a 10 percent flat tax will be levied on all earnings, both business and personal. This will increase government income, plus the economy will boom.
  4. The welfare problem: All government handouts will cease with one exception: People who are demonstrably disabled and/or over the age of 65.
  5. The university problem: Safe spaces will be outlawed. Anyone found in a safe space or even asking for the location of one will be executed and buried in an undisclosed location where they will be safe till the end of time.
  6. The Mohammedan problem: U.S. mosques will be bulldozed, and Mohammedan men will lose their scimitars and be sent to slave camps. Mohammedan women’s heads and legs will be uncovered.  A blue-ribbon panel from the Jonesboro Baptist Church will decide what to do about the Middle East, with the exception of Israel, of course.

Felipe will run — and win — as an Independent. Campaign contributions should be send to his PayPal account, which will be up and running lickety-split.

His child bride will be America’s first Mexican First Lady.

His campaign slogan: Make America Legally Mexican And, Oh Yeah, Great Again.

22 thoughts on “Felipe for prez!”

      1. I definitely do not want a Supreme Court position, because that could involve work, the worst part being having to sit through oral argument. I was about to nominate myself for some appointment that doesn’t require having to show up but which pays very well. And then I remembered that you’d say that I’d have to support Bernie or Hillary for one of those plums. I’ll settle for being Chief of Staff.

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  1. I do not want a border fence. Have you seen the one in Nogales? It turns my stomach – probably because I graduated from high school in El Paso and we used to cross the border with our drivers licenses. I learned to love, not fear, Mexico. What we need is new immigration laws that make it easier on Mexicans to come into the USA to visit or work.

    Repeal the Refugee Resettlement Act and quit importing Muslims. (Please do this first). A few years ago, there was a barefoot, recently arrived couple from Burundi in front of us at the Safeway in Tucson. They had two huge carts full of the most expensive food – crab legs, steaks – and paid for it all with their government issued card. Meanwhile, we were drinking two-buck Chuck from Trader Joe’s. In a newspaper interview, the Burundians complained about not getting the desk jobs they had hoped for.

    Did you see the latest picture of Obama with world leaders, flashing the peace sign? I have a bunch of pre-teen grandsons who act like that, and we immediately call them out for it. Obviously, Obama never had anyone who loved him enough to keep him from looking like a fool.

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  2. Bonnie: I’m a big wall fan. Walls work. I have one around my house, and while we have alien chickens in the yard on occasion, invaders from next door, I’ve yet to encounter an unwanted human, Burundian or otherwise.

    Perhaps the U.S. does need a revision of immigration law. I really don’t know anything about that. Plenty of folks seem to get visas legally. I know a number of Mexicans who have U.S. visitor visas. One simply must meet the requirements, and since the United States is a place many people want to visit or move to, the requirements are sensibly higher than, say, the requirements to visit Haiti or Bolivia.

    And I totally oppose opening the border to Mohammedans, especially barefoot ones. Under my administration, that will end posthaste!

    And please don’t bring up Weepy Barry, his limp wrist with Raul Castro, his peace sign with whomever. It just gets my blood pressure up, and who needs that?

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  3. Yes, I live behind a huge adobe wall (with spikes on the top) too. I don’t for one minute think it would keep anyone who really wanted in, out. I think the big guy I sleep with keeps them out. When we owned a store in Florida, everyone in the shopping center got robbed. We never did.

    In Pompeii, there are statues of huge men at the entrance of the houses, as if to say, a very strong man lives here who you better not mess with. It is a universal message that transcends time and culture.

    Now, compare our country to a house, and at our front door is the shameful picture of Obama and Castro. Is it any wonder that people of all kinds are streaming across our border?

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    1. Judy: Keep in mind there’s a healthy amount of “tongue in cheek” here. Anyway, the Jonesboro Baptist Church is not even an actual Baptist church. It’s just a bunch of lunatics.

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    2. P.S.: The point of the mention of the Jonesboro Baptists is that, being lunatics, they would nuke the entire Mideast, but I had to put Israel off-limits to them. Restraint is not one of their primary characteristics.

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  4. 1 April down. 28 December to come.

    By the way, I am open to appointment as governor-general of The Bahamas. You will need to clear that with your second favorite queen — the wifely half of the Greek and German couple who live in central London.

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    1. Señor Cotton: Believe it or not, the campaign announcement was not related to April Fool’s Day. Pure coincidence.

      As for the post to the Bahamas, as you note, that will not be in my power once I assume the presidency. You’ll have to approach England for that. However, there are some very prestigious and interesting posts in the U.S. government that I will be handing out. Investigate the options, and get back to me. Mike, Ms. Shoes and Ray have already locked in some good positions. You snooze, you lose.

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  5. All right, Felipe, if you want my vote, it can be bought. All you need to do is have your wife bake me some pastries and I am behind you till the end.

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    1. Brian: You are too easy. I wish all voters could be bagged so easily. My wife’s world-class baked goods are available most every Saturday on the main plaza next to the Banco Santander from about 2:30 till 7. Come by, and I’ll treat you to the first one if I’m sitting there as I often am.

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