MOUNTAINTOP IN MEXICO — (AP) The bizarre presidential race in the United States was thrown into further turmoil today when Felipe Zapata tossed his sombrero into the mess.
Felipe, a controversial blogger — you either love him or loathe him — is, like Ted Cruz, a dual national. But, unlike Cruz, Felipe — who prefers to be called by one name à la Cher or Prince — will not trash his foreign passport.
He sees multiculturalism as a campaign plus.
The shocking announcement was made outside Felipe’s huge, colorful Hacienda in a hardscrabble neighborhood on the edge of a mystery village in the middle of Mexico.
The international press was missing, as was the Mexican, and the audience of four were Felipe’s family members who were eating burritos and drinking Coca-Cola.
Felipe’s brisk platform consists of six planks:
- The Mexican problem: This will be solved by building a 20-foot-high wall along America’s southern border. The U.S. will pay for it, not Mexico. Ten yards behind the wall will be an alligator-filled moat and machine-gun nests.
- The drug problem: This will be solved by canceling the ridiculous War on Drugs. Getting stoned will be legal for adults. This will also help the Mexican problem.
- The economic problem: The Internal Revenue Service will be dissolved, and a 10 percent flat tax will be levied on all earnings, both business and personal. This will increase government income, plus the economy will boom.
- The welfare problem: All government handouts will cease with one exception: People who are demonstrably disabled and/or over the age of 65.
- The university problem: Safe spaces will be outlawed. Anyone found in a safe space or even asking for the location of one will be executed and buried in an undisclosed location where they will be safe till the end of time.
- The Mohammedan problem: U.S. mosques will be bulldozed, and Mohammedan men will lose their scimitars and be sent to slave camps. Mohammedan women’s heads and legs will be uncovered. A blue-ribbon panel from the Jonesboro Baptist Church will decide what to do about the Middle East, with the exception of Israel, of course.
Felipe will run — and win — as an Independent. Campaign contributions should be send to his PayPal account, which will be up and running lickety-split.
His child bride will be America’s first Mexican First Lady.
His campaign slogan: Make America Legally Mexican And, Oh Yeah, Great Again.