Noah’s abuse

Ark

(What follows is the first, and possibly last, movie commentary to appear hereabouts.)

WE WENT to the cineplex yesterday to see Noah, the film movie about you know who. Though we have Netflix at home, it’s often best to see disaster flicks on the really big screen.

And Noah  is a disaster flick with giant science fiction monsters thrown in. I am not, as Dave Barry says, making this up. Huge, stone critters that talk and growl.

The movie was slow, boring and long, a too-frequent combination. And it was quite PC, which was beyond silly. The word God was not uttered once. References to God were “the creator.” This, of course, is more “inclusive,” and will not offend Mohammedans, Hindus or Zoroastrians who prefer other names for God or their gods. Good Lord!

Brace yourselves: Noah and his family were vegetarians. As Dave Barry says, well, you know.

That’s all I have to say about the movie. It was long, boring, politically correct — Noah and his family only ate veggies — and there were science-fiction monsters.

The real action was down in the audience. Unknown to me, we were entering a new sort of movie theater, something called 4DX. Since it says 4D, one might assume that it was 3D and more, but it was not. There was no 3D.

4DX means you’ve entered a movie auditorium that pummels and spits on you.*

Literally.

There are scads of big black boxes aligned high on both walls. These are, perhaps among other things, fans that blow on you when there is wind blowing in the movie. Get it? When there are fights, the seat bounces around and pokes you, literally, in the back.

Ouch!

At one point, Noah, who is really a pendejo, slays a bad guy by slitting his throat. The “blood” shoots out from God the creator knows where and spits in your face!

I had to remove my glasses and wipe them. No lie.

Perhaps worse than the ongoing abuse you receive, the high-tech seat simply is not very comfortable. You cannot recline as you do in most modern theaters. It doesn’t rock. It is locked into place — until it assaults and/or wets you, of course.

This was my first 4DX experience, and it will be my last. I’m no masochist.

* * * *

* What Dave Barry says.