Fifteen years a Mexican

DO YOU REMEMBER the movie Twelve Years a Slave, the one some members of the Oscar committee later confessed to voting as Best Picture even though they had not seen it? The PC theme swayed them.

Incredible, the terrible, phony times in which we live.

So I’m considering becoming a filmmaker next January when I hit the 15-year mark below the Rio Bravo. Since we Mexicans are almost as fashionable as blacks, I’m thinking I can just make the video on my two-bit Kodak Easyshare. I’ll have to find a distributor, but that won’t be difficult due to the trendy subject matter.

cameraNobody much will watch my flick, and even if they do, they’ll be afraid to say it’s trash because I’m Mexican (profiling!) and then the Oscar folks will knee-jerk me into wealth and fame!

I won’t be a bona fide Mexican for 15 years in January. I will simply have lived here that long. I became a bona fide, voter-card-carrying (yes, we must have a photo ID to vote, Gringos) Mexican nine years ago next December.

The first matter of business is casting. Here’s what I will need:

1. Imelda the sultry maid (brown skin required).

2. José the cripple in the wheelchair.

3. Manuel the arrogant rich guy (white skin required).

4. Lupe the bureaucrat who does nothing without a bribe.

5. Alejandro the cartel capo (brown skin required).

6. Axel the hit man (very brown skin required).*

7. Diego the beggar, age 9.

8. Jerónimo the alcoholic. He’s Diego’s father who beats him daily.

9. Valentina the beautiful female lead (white skin required) who swoons at the sight of …

10. Miguel Ángel the dashing male lead and incorrigible womanizer (white skin required).

I’ll be reading applications next week. Just send an email. The role of Miguel Ángel is taken. That will be me because I have white skin, plus I want to kiss and fondle Valentina.

We’re gonna get rich together, amigos. Practice speaking English with a Spanish accent. Hint: Pronounce “you” like “Jew” and stress every letter in English words, no matter how much you giggle.

All for now. I must go write my Oscar acceptance speech.

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* Bring your own machete. This is a low-budget operation.