The Ironman

weightsI AM TRIM and, to all appearances, quite healthy for an old fart.

I attribute this to years of steady, light exercise, salads and a child bride. Don’t discount the latter.

In 1980, I weighed 60 pounds more than I weigh today. Oddly, I was not so much fat as formidable.

It was in that distant year in New Orleans — where I often would eat French fry po’ boys — that I decided to get trim and svelte.

Being fat is not an issue of hunger. It’s about habits and emotions. Services like Weight Watchers can address your bad habits, but they do little with your emotions, which is why 99 percent of overweight people get fat again soon after ending a weight-loss program.*

Of the two — habits and emotions — it’s emotions that play the primary role. They form the habits, after all.

Here’s how I took and kept off 60 pounds, and you can do it too. Well, except for those sneaky emotions.

I quit eating crap, and you know what the crap is: cakes, pies, burgers, Snickers, deep-fried anything, etc. You don’t need to buy a book that spells it out. It’s common sense.

And I started exercising. Twenty minutes of brisk walking five days weekly does it.  Thirty-five years later, I’m still at it.

Most folks start brutal exercise routines, weary of it within two weeks, and that’s the end of that. Don’t overreach.

In addition to walking, I do what my wife considers a laughable series of weight-lifting. That’s my weight machine in the photo. Three times a week, and it takes about 10 minutes.

I weigh what I weighed at age 21, half a century ago.

Before buying the weight apparatus, I visited a gym here three mornings a week, but the gym went out of business about five years back, so I purchased my setup at Liverpool in the capital city for the peso equivalent of about $600.

So there you have Felipe’s Foolproof Weight Loss System. Don’t eat crap, do light exercise five days a week (forever!) and marry a child bride, preferably Mexican.

You womenfolk can adjust that last element to your liking, but know that folks will gossip behind your back.

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*Don’t ever start a “diet” because they never work. The concept of a diet implies a beginning and — when you reach your “goal weight” — an end. When you end your diet, you start eating like you did before. And you get fat again. Never go on a diet. Instead, change your habits permanently.

LOL, R.I.P.

I WAS PLEASED to read today that LOL  is dying out.

I was educated too, learning a new word: emoji.

light-brown-thumbs-up-signBeing neither young nor modish, I am ignorant of some elements of modern communication, and I do not care.

I have never typed LOL, not once, and never will. I have never used an emoji either, and doubt that I ever will. I prefer clear, traditional written communication. I think you should too, but that’s your business.

If you were unaware of the growing fuddy-duddy element of using LOL, you have been informed. Apparently, haha is preferred.

And here’s more: Women use LOL and emojis more than men. This is not surprising because women also use multiple exclamation points more than men. I know this from personal observation.

Women get so emotional!!!!!

While I have your attention, let’s look at another abomination that I’ve mentioned before. Even though I have pointed out this travesty, people continue to do it. Please stop it. Right now!

It is putting a string of dots between sentences. Here is an example ……………… Can you see how ridiculous this looks? ………….. If not, there is no hope for you ……….. Many people do this. Have you no standards?

What is the purpose of this hurling of dots?

A sentence ends with one period. Then there’s a space. The following sentence starts with a capital letter. Dem’s de rules, amigos.

There is a thing called the ellipsis. It has a specific use, and it consists of three periods, not 856. Study it a moment, please.

That’s all for now, boys and girls. Miss Grundy is though with the lesson. Go out and play, but be back in your desks in an hour.

Haha!

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(Note: That thumbs-up thing is an emoji. FYI.)