The hilarity of Hollywood

SHOWBIZ HAS become a caricature of itself.

Its prime function is to entertain us, and it’s now doing that more than ever, but not in a way it thinks or wants.

The Oscars have become a leftist, lip-flapping session. Movies hype political correctness so blatantly that it’s hard not to howl with derisive laughter.

Case in point:

Last night on Netflix we watched a new Natalie Portman flick named The Annihilation. It was pretty lame but not due to the rampant pushing of political correctness. It simply is not a very good movie.

But let’s look at the PC aspects. There was a team of four that entered a zone of no return, a place where other teams had entered and vanished. It’s a sci-fi movie.

In a realistic movie and in real life, the team would have been four tough, beefy guys with backpacks, camos and guns, men with Special Forces backgrounds. But what was the team in The Annihilation? Four women, and not just four women.

Our racially and sexually diverse lady team sported backpacks, camos and guns, just like guys, in spite of their being ladies of science, not soldiering.

Women can do anything!

Two white women, one Latino woman and one black woman. The black woman was a lesbian. Extra diversity point! Natalie Portman’s character, earlier in the sequence of events, had an affair with a married man. He was black, of course.

Multi-racial romances are the rage in Hollywood. Nobody hops into the sack anymore with anyone who even vaguely resembles themselves, which is how it works almost all of the time in real life.

The dialogue: There were occasional mentions of romances and marriages. The significant others were never referred to as men. They were invariably a “person” or a “partner.” The script sounded as if it had been written in a gender-studies class at Berkeley or the University of Wisconsin.

The only entertaining aspect to this silliness was watching almost all the gals gruesomely die. If they’d only brought Clint Eastwood along.

Fifteen years a Mexican

DO YOU REMEMBER the movie Twelve Years a Slave, the one some members of the Oscar committee later confessed to voting as Best Picture even though they had not seen it? The PC theme swayed them.

Incredible, the terrible, phony times in which we live.

So I’m considering becoming a filmmaker next January when I hit the 15-year mark below the Rio Bravo. Since we Mexicans are almost as fashionable as blacks, I’m thinking I can just make the video on my two-bit Kodak Easyshare. I’ll have to find a distributor, but that won’t be difficult due to the trendy subject matter.

cameraNobody much will watch my flick, and even if they do, they’ll be afraid to say it’s trash because I’m Mexican (profiling!) and then the Oscar folks will knee-jerk me into wealth and fame!

I won’t be a bona fide Mexican for 15 years in January. I will simply have lived here that long. I became a bona fide, voter-card-carrying (yes, we must have a photo ID to vote, Gringos) Mexican nine years ago next December.

The first matter of business is casting. Here’s what I will need:

1. Imelda the sultry maid (brown skin required).

2. José the cripple in the wheelchair.

3. Manuel the arrogant rich guy (white skin required).

4. Lupe the bureaucrat who does nothing without a bribe.

5. Alejandro the cartel capo (brown skin required).

6. Axel the hit man (very brown skin required).*

7. Diego the beggar, age 9.

8. Jerónimo the alcoholic. He’s Diego’s father who beats him daily.

9. Valentina the beautiful female lead (white skin required) who swoons at the sight of …

10. Miguel Ángel the dashing male lead and incorrigible womanizer (white skin required).

I’ll be reading applications next week. Just send an email. The role of Miguel Ángel is taken. That will be me because I have white skin, plus I want to kiss and fondle Valentina.

We’re gonna get rich together, amigos. Practice speaking English with a Spanish accent. Hint: Pronounce “you” like “Jew” and stress every letter in English words, no matter how much you giggle.

All for now. I must go write my Oscar acceptance speech.

* * * *

* Bring your own machete. This is a low-budget operation.