End of spring

abel
Abel at work, pushing my lawnmower.

IT’S OVER. Spring has gone, and summer has begun.

I know it’s not the official end of spring, but we march to a different seasonal drummer at the Hacienda.

When Abel the Deadpan Gardener (and neighbor) mows the lawn for the first time, it means summer has started, and it has. The summer rains are easing in. Sweet.*

Abel mowed the lawn yesterday.

Another sign of spring is that two bunches of lily bulbs beneath the ground in what I call the Willy-Nilly Zone** push their noggins above the dirt.

I often think of my second ex-wife when I survey our Hacienda domain. She’s a gardening fanatic and a certified “Master Gardener” via a course offered by the county extension service in Houston. Her yard is nice by local standards.

I see it via Google Street View. It pales, however, in comparison to the Hacienda spread, and I’m not a gardener, neither certified nor master. I’m a rank, lazy amateur.

Our yard tends to itself and only requires stern discipline. This year, more than ever before, I’ve eliminated lots of greenery because it was getting out of hand, berserk actually.

I like the cleaner look. Some of the eliminated stuff was huge, all planted by my child bride who gleefully plants whatever and then goes on her merry way, leaving the fallout to me.

But summer is here. Rains will quickly increase until they become daily. Downtown streets will flood most afternoons. The air will be cool, and the nights romantic.

Philodendron in its niche. Trimmed by me. About five feet high.

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* I won’t think it’s sweet in waterlogged October. I’ll consider it a curse, but that’s for later.

** The Willy-Nilly Zone wraps itself around the two exterior sides of the downstairs veranda. It’s hemmed in by the Romance Sidewalk. It’s a happy zone for plants because, I think, the proximity to the house reduces cold in winter. In modern parlance, it’s a “safe space” for greenery. Plants are never offended in the Willy-Nilly Zone.

Felipe for prez!

MOUNTAINTOP IN MEXICO — (AP) The bizarre presidential race in the United States was thrown into further turmoil today when Felipe Zapata tossed his sombrero into the mess.

candidate
Himself

Felipe, a controversial blogger — you either love him or loathe him — is, like Ted Cruz, a dual national. But, unlike Cruz, Felipe — who prefers to be called by one name à la Cher or Prince — will not trash his foreign passport.

He sees multiculturalism as a campaign plus.

The shocking announcement was made outside Felipe’s huge, colorful Hacienda in a hardscrabble neighborhood on the edge of a mystery village in the middle of Mexico.

The international press was missing, as was the Mexican, and the audience of four were Felipe’s family members who were eating burritos and drinking Coca-Cola.

Felipe’s brisk platform consists of six planks:

  1. The Mexican problem: This will be solved by building a 20-foot-high wall along America’s southern border. The U.S. will pay for it, not Mexico. Ten yards behind the wall will be an alligator-filled moat and machine-gun nests.
  2. The drug problem: This will be solved by canceling the ridiculous War on Drugs.  Getting stoned will be legal for adults. This will also help the Mexican problem.
  3. The economic problem: The Internal Revenue Service will be dissolved, and a 10 percent flat tax will be levied on all earnings, both business and personal. This will increase government income, plus the economy will boom.
  4. The welfare problem: All government handouts will cease with one exception: People who are demonstrably disabled and/or over the age of 65.
  5. The university problem: Safe spaces will be outlawed. Anyone found in a safe space or even asking for the location of one will be executed and buried in an undisclosed location where they will be safe till the end of time.
  6. The Mohammedan problem: U.S. mosques will be bulldozed, and Mohammedan men will lose their scimitars and be sent to slave camps. Mohammedan women’s heads and legs will be uncovered.  A blue-ribbon panel from the Jonesboro Baptist Church will decide what to do about the Middle East, with the exception of Israel, of course.

Felipe will run — and win — as an Independent. Campaign contributions should be send to his PayPal account, which will be up and running lickety-split.

His child bride will be America’s first Mexican First Lady.

His campaign slogan: Make America Legally Mexican And, Oh Yeah, Great Again.

My favorite queen

MY FAVORITE queen is neither Great Britain’s Elizabeth II nor Denmark’s Margrethe II. My favorite queen is not even a she. He’s a he, Milo Yiannopoulos.

m_flagniceThe Greek-born, England-raised Yiannopoulos proves that being a queen doesn’t mean one’s a leftist.

It’s downright refreshing.

Here he is predicting (correctly, I hope) the demise of ham-fisted political correctness.

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(Note: Yiannopoulos is the tech editor of the conservative website Breitbart News,  among other things, and he’s the only gay guy on Earth barred from the City of San Francisco.)